photo credit: brant copen

               

             This is going to be one of those REAL updates.   This month has been really really hard.  I’ve struggled a lot and as my prayer and financial supporters I don’t want to hide that from you.  I feel like the past month has been one defeat after another, one lesson on top of another on top of another on top of a pile of other ones.  I don’t feel like I’ve had room to breathe after each lesson and just barely enough strength to get back up before the next wave comes crashing overtop of me. As soon as I think the tides have passed, another comes and I just am not surprised by them any more. My eyes feel tangibly different after crying on an off, they feel heavy and tear ridden and weird.  As someone who just doesn’t cry very much in general, it’s hard to accept these new eyes.  

               To give you just a glimpse at some of these new developments in my heart…I will try to list a few.  The Lord has revealed to me that even though I try to hide it, he still sees the pride behind my decisions.  I  still tend to think too much about what other people think, I’ve created dreams for myself that were never part of his plan, I’ve not been as vulnerable with my team as I need to be, I keep truth from people in order to protect myself and I don’t look out for the interest of others more than I think of my own.   These are just a few of the topics leading  the conversations I’ve had with Jesus this month.  It’s been very humbling to see my faults so exposed, to feel them so deeply and in such a public arena as on the mission field, in a three bedroom apartment filled with 7 people.  I haven’t had the ability to appear “strong” to others while going through this month of utter reconstruction in my soul and for me, that has been the most difficult thing.  To know that no one out there can look at me and say “that girl has got it together”  has been a hard truth for me to grasp.  In my pride, I wish more than anything that I didn’t have to go through this month, and that I could have just kept on being the cool looking missionary that is in control of everything that comes her way but then again, I guess that’s not what Jesus is really looking for in someone that has dedicated their life for the advancement of his kingdom.  In the bible it shows the broken people…the one’s that have made mistakes…the ones who were REAL as the ones God chose to use.  Moses, someone I admire a whole lot murdered someone.  David, one of the greatest leaders in all of history, had an affair and killed one of his friends in order to cover the affair up. Elijah was suicidal. Jonah was scared. I could go on and on….the gist  is this, God uses broken people to save broken people….and I’m beginning to realize that I too am a broken person.  

                 I hope that you don’t misunderstand this blog update as me saying that I’m not happy.  On the contrary, I am indeed very happy.  I know that God is for me and the reason he is teaching me these things in his timing is because he loves me enough to not let me walk down the wrong road any further.  His correction and redirection is not for my demise but for my future, which will prosper and be blessed under his hand.   What scares me even more than the overload of correction is the thought that I could have gone much longer without being corrected…and many people do.  I know some people that are in their 80s still wondering who God is and if he loves them…maybe you know some as well or maybe you still wonder.  My hope is that through revealing this season in my life you too are able to see that it’s not too late.  It’s never too late to let God come retrieve you from wherever you are on the wrong road.  All you have to do is surrender and he will do the rest, he will come and pick you up and bring you back.  I’m not saying that the journey to the start of the right road will be easy….it’s probably unpathed and full of thorns.  There are always consequences for our actions but at the same time there is no condemnation in Christ. We are already forgiven.  I encourage you with the fact that you are loved beyond measure by a heavenly father that cares too much for you to just leave you alone.  He won’t force his plans on you but if you invite him in and give him permission to intervene, he will do everything he has to in order to gather his one lost sheep and bring them back to the safety of the flock.      

I believe this 100% because I’m experiencing it my self…more and more over the last 2 years, this past month, and right now as I’m typing.  There is everlasting peace to be had, friends….and its offered to each of us, despite our flaws.    Let’s not miss out on this free gift.